


Let Us Skim

by tillifer



Category: Frühlings Erwachen | Spring Awakening - Frank Wedekind, Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, period-typical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25025506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tillifer/pseuds/tillifer
Summary: Wonderful, isn't it? How when two people are so deeply in love with each other, anything could be an I love you?Or5 times Hanschen and Ernst didn't say "I love you" and the 1 time they did
Relationships: Hanschen Rilow/Ernst Robel
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	Let Us Skim

**Author's Note:**

> I do not condone abuse and I do not want to romanticize the abuse of partners. That being said, people have been known to fight each other for the sake of touching another person's skin, and the part where they recognize their love for each other is when they stop.

**_one_ ** .

_ "We'll huddle over Homer. Maybe do a little Achilles and Patroclus."  _ Hanschen’s sentence echoes in Ernst’s mind as he waited for him. The two of them were going to head back to his home together, after all. To huddle over Homer. That was it. Surely. But that doesn’t mean Ernst can’t dream. 

When Hanschen finally finds Ernst, they each feel a small bit of hope for the next few hours. Hanschen had finally managed to get Ernst alone, and despite the circumstances, he considered it a success. Whereas Ernst had managed to get Hanschen’s help, and maybe even had the chance to learn more from him. Ernst found himself tending to learn more from Hanschen then he did in school, as to why, well, he had his suspicions. 

The two of them walk towards Ernst’s house, making polite conversation throughout the walk, Hanschen cracking a joke here and there. Ernst’s laughs at all of them, no matter how stupid they may be, and Hanschen can feel a smile tugging at his lips. As performative as his jokes may be, the happiness he feels when he hears Ernst laugh is genuine, and while fleeting, is a small joy he allows himself to have. 

Once they get to Ernst’s house, Ernst makes quick work of clearing off the table so they could have a place to study. He retrieves his own copy of the Odyssey and places it on the table, while Hanschen looks into his own bag and comes back with both a disappointed and yet self satisfied grin. 

“I seem to have forgotten my copy at home.” He says, leaning forward against the table. “Would you mind sharing?” He asks, nodding toward Ernst's own book. 

“No, not at all.” Ernst replies, stumbling over his words, his eagerness to share anything with Hanschen getting the better of him. 

“Great.” He beams, bringing his own chair closer to Ernst. As Ernst opens the book, Hanschen slides it slightly towards himself, partly so he can read it better, and partly so Ernst would have to face him just the tiniest bit more. Their thighs touch, and Ernst can feel his heart start racing. He’s practically in his lap, and when Hanschen’s arm comes around the back of his chair, Ernst nearly jumps. The contact, despite how much Ernst wants it, still surprises him. He chooses instead to focus on the reading rather than the warmth of Hanschen’s skin against his. 

Despite Hanschen’s proximity, Ernst manages to open where they had left off. He takes his time trying to find where exactly they had previously ended, enjoying this simple moment with Hanschen. As he lifts his hand to search for a particular sentence, the other half of the book lifts up, starting to close. Ernst goes to push it back down to the table when he feels Hanschen’s hand on his own, holding down the other side of the book. His eyes dart quickly to their touching hands before looking up at Hanschen. 

“Let me help.” Is the only answer Hanschen gives when Ernst seems to look at him questioningly. Ernst smiles, and nods; a silent understanding. He lets their hands stay together for just a moment before turning back to the text in front of them.

"This is where we were, correct?" Ernst asks, pointing to a specific line. When Hanschen doesn't give any response, Ernst turns to look at him, only to find Hanschen still staring at him. What Ernst seems isn't a look he typically sees on Hanschen, a look of appreciation. He might even go as far to say fondness. But they didn't have time for that, at least, not now. 

"Hans, how can you possibly see sitting back like that? Come closer." Ernst instructs, somewhat playfully. He manages to snap Hanschen out of his thought process, bringing him back to the matter at hand, or rather, in hand. 

He didn't need to be told twice, immediately finding himself as close as he could be to Ernst. Any chance he had to be near him was worth it, and this wasn't something he'd let slip through his fingers. In fact, his hand around the back of Ernst chairs finds a new perch around his shoulders, drawing them ever closer. 

"Α-Aν κάποιος πλησ-" Ernst tries, doing his best to read the Greek. When he stops, he turns to Hanschen, with a small apologetic smile, hoping to coax him into reciting the rest of the sentence. Hanschen does his best to hide his smile, instead sigh at Ernst's silent request. 

"πλησιάσει πολύ κοντά και ακούσει το τραγούδι των Σειρήνων, η γυναίκα και τα παιδιά του δεν θα τον υποδεχτούν ποτέ ξανά στο σπίτι." Hanschen finishes, following as Ernst finger pointed to each word. Hanschen noticing that even though Ernst had trouble reading it himself, he had no problem keeping up, most likely meaning that his lack of knowledge could easily have been feigned. He smiles as he speaks, ever impressed at what Ernst was capable of. 

As Ernst watches Hanschen as he speaks the words, he can see how easily the Greek comes to him. He watches Hanschen's mouth form the correct shapes needed to produce the sound, and he can’t help but wish he was more like him. He wishes he had his aptitude, his confidence, his adaptability, his soft hair, his strong frame, his… Ernst could let that thought go any farther, not here, at least. Though Ernst knew he didn’t necessarily want those attributes, but more so the boy who possessed them. Ernst decides, that to simply be in Hanschen's presence, and to be witness to those traits, well maybe he might be able to learn something. 

**_two_ ** .

Ernst had never quite understood the school’s uniforms. The weird shorts and high socks, the ties and suit jackets. He understood that they had to look presentable, but to him they seemed silly. Especially on him. On Hanschen though, it seemed to fit perfectly. He looked amazing, and he couldn’t stop himself from sneaking glances throughout the day. 

It’s in gym class though where he has to force himself to look elsewhere. He can’t be caught staring, especially here. So he rushes, always first in and out. Staggering when he exits. 

“Hanschen.” Ernst calls out, running up to stop him. His uniform, which was typically in pristine condition, was currently disheveled in his rush to leave the gym. 

The first thing Ernst notes is that Hanschen's hair had gotten tousled. The normally neat and straight hair has a slight curl to it that Ernst thinks looks quite cute, though he doesn't dare mention it. Instead, he takes his hand and runs it through Hanschen's hair. It's soft, he realizes, and damp, and he can almost smell the shampoo that they use. He wants to bury his face in it, to pretend that the world doesn't exist except for the two of them. But he can't, he won't. He just needs to fix Hanschen's hair, which doesn't actually need to be fixed, he just needs to be made presentable. Though he's always presentable in Ernst's eyes. 

Ernst then opens Hanschen’s suit jacket, to get to his tie which was done haphazardly. He takes a step closer to Hanschen, needing to be closer to focus on the intricacies of tying the knot. His hands go around Hanschen's neck, and he can hear his breath hitch. He doesn’t mention it though, preoccupied with adjusting the length of the tie. 

With Ernst this close, Hanschen can see the way his brow furrows in concentration, the way he bites his lip and smiles to himself once he’s done, content with his work. He can see all the intricacies in his eyes and nearly see himself in them, and that's when he looks away. Hanschen looks down, briefly, and honestly, it’s not bad, not the style of knot he would’ve gone with, but good-looking all the same. He’ll have to ask Ernst to teach him it later. When he looks back up, Ernst is staring at him, rather intensely. If he’s being honest with himself, he feels rather awkward, being looked at that way. He’s simply not used to it, more often being the one who gives that look. But it’s Ernst, and Hanschen can see the adoration in his eyes and this longing and for a moment all Hanschen wants to do is rest his forehead against Ernst’s and ask him about everything he’s thinking. And then Ernst’s hand is coming up to his face and Hanschen want’s so badly to lean into it to meet it, but he instead holds back. 

It turns out that his hand is going to his shoulder, where Ernst see’s a piece of lint. He brings his other hand to Hanschen’s other shoulder and dusts them off, letting them linger. He looks to Hanschen, wondering what could’ve happened to his uniform that it was like this. But he doesn’t really care, it gives him an excuse to touch him, to be close to him, and Ernst would cherish that moment. He would cherish him. He hopes Hanschen is able to understand that. 

Ernst’s hands trail down Hanschen’s chest, stopping over his heart. He can feel it beating, faster and faster and he wants to lean in and press his ear against it, hoping he’d be able to hear everything Hanschen wasn’t saying. But he doesn’t need to do that. Hanschen is able to tell him when he takes Ernst’s hands in his own, helping him redo the buttons on his jacket befores speaking in a soft voice. 

“Would you teach me how you tie your ties?” 

**_three_ ** .

Ernst and Hanschen have always been acutely aware of each other. How close the other was to them, the way they gestured in class, how they spoke. For Ernst, he was desperate to know everything about Hanschen. And for Hanschen, well he just loved watching Ernst, watching him work, speak, do anything, really. He could look at Ernst for an eternity and never get his fill.

They were privy to details about the other that not even their parents knew. Though it was unlikely they cared. For instance, Hanschen knew just how important the church was to Ernst, and how his favorite color was yellow. He kept things like that in the back of his mind, where everything else about Ernst stayed. 

Ernst on the other hand, found himself enamoured with how Hanschen thought. He found Hanschen’s bluntness quite nice. Hanschen never said what was expected of him when it was just the two of them, and Ernst appreciated that. His views on the church and the clergy were well known to Ernst, which is why he was so surprised when Hanschen walked through the doors that Sunday. 

Hanschen doesn’t make any move towards Ernst, just giving him a small nod and a smile that sends Ernst’s heart a mile high. Ernst wants to go over to him and ask him what he was doing here. But he can’t, so he stays by the altar and watches the priest lead the sermon. His eyes drift over to Hanschen, and everytime he looks he sees him staring right back at him. And then Hanschen smiles, and that’s when he feels his face heat up, and he has to look away. 

Hanschen was receiving great pleasure from getting Ernst flustered by simply looking at him. That wasn’t his goal for today, but it was one hell of a consolation prize. Seeing him in his element though, it was incredible. Hanschen couldn’t tear his eyes away from Ernst, no matter how many times his parents hit his shoulder to tell him to look at the prayer book. He doesn’t need to, looking at Ernst is enough for him to know that prayers truly are answered. 

When the sermon is over, Hanschen excuses himself to go talk to Ernst, though as far as his parents know, he’s going to talk to the priest. He waits patiently to get Ernst’s attention. 

“Hanschen!” Ernst whispers. “What are you doing here?” 

“Am I not allowed to participate in the act of praising God? Am I not allowed to learn?” He asks, coyly. 

“You know what I mean.” Ernst sighs. 

“I came to see you,” he starts, “in all your heavenly beauty.” He says, hushed. Ernst’s face practically goes aflame at Hanschen’s compliment, truly stunned speechless. 

“And, I wanted to give you this.” He says, as he pulls out something from his pocket, placing his fist in Ernst’s hand. When he removes it, there’s a slightly crumpled daffodil. Hanschen knows he’s running out on time, that he needs to go so that people don’t get suspicious, but he can’t help but spare a moment just admiring Ernst. 

“Your piety and devoutness are so much stronger than that of the father, you should know. It should be you leading us, I couldn’t imagine anyone more selfless and virtuous than you.” Is the last thing Hanschen says, before leaving Ernst there, still speechless and entirely shocked. 

What drives the gesture home though, is the flower, the daffodil. He had mentioned it offhand months ago, when they weren’t in season. And now that spring is here, Hanschen had gone out of his way to bring him one, risking getting caught. All for the sake of something so small that Ernst had forgotten about it until this moment. And then Ernst thinks, he really does love yellow. 

**_four_ ** . 

When Hanschen isn't at school, Ernst assumes the worst. He thinks that they've been caught, that something they did was just a bit too friendly and someone caught on, that it was Hanschen who was taking the blame because that was just the kind of person he was. It's a nice thought, that Hanschen cared enough about him to take the fall for both of them, but all the trouble he could get into, the pain and ostracization, it sours that thought completely. So Ernst goes about his day, cautious at best, paranoid at worst, and waits for the day to end. He doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't look at the teachers, and instead just retreats into his shell, worrying over Hanschen's fate. 

He couldn't be happier when the day is over. He grabs his satchel, and tells Herr Sonnenstich that he'll bring today's work to Hanschen himself. It's the first thing he's aaid all day, and when Herr Sonnenstich doesn't look at Ernst with any more discontent than usual, he's able to relax a bit. Perhaps they were still in the clear. He takes the work and practically trips over himself in his enthusiasm to go to Hanschen's house. 

Ernst arrives, and when he does, he takes a moment to calm himself, before knocking on the door. Frau Rilow answers the door, which Ernst will forever be grateful for, and greets him. 

"Good afternoon Ernst, what brings you here?" 

"Good afternoon ma'am, I actually just stopped by to drop off what we worked on today in class, seeing as Hanschen wasn't in school. Is everything alright?" 

"My, what a dedicated friend you are. But no, Hanschen seems to have come down with something. Why don't you come inside? I'm sure he'd be elated to see you." She says, ushering him inside. 

"Thank you, Frau Rilow." He says, letting himself be swept into the house. 

"Now, I know you've got a bit to give him, but do you think you could bring this to him as well?" She asks, handing Ernst a bowl of soup. 

"Of course." He says, adjusting his satchel so that it holds everything and sits across his shoulder, then takes the bowl. 

"Thank you dear." She smiles, "I'll phone your parents and let them know you're here. Hanschen's room is down the hall and on the right."

Ernst goes down the hallway, careful not to spill the soup, and knocks gently on the door. He hears a garbled, 'come in', and gently eases the door open. 

He sees Hanschen lying there, sheets pulled up to his chest, eyes closed and face red. Hanschen doesn't even open his eyes until he hears the soft thump of Ernst dropping his satchel. When he sees Ernst, he jumps, to the best of his ability, out of the bed. 

"Ernst! What are you doing here?" He asks, throwing himself into Ernst's arms. It's all Ernst can do to set the bowl down before he catches Hanschen. His face is already warm from the contact, he doesn't need the rest of his body heated too.

"I came to see you. And really you mustn't move too much, not in your state." He says, dragging him back to his bed. He goes to remove Hanschen's arms from around his neck when he hears Hanschen whine. 

"Come lay with me, Ernst." He sighs, pulling him closer.

"Hansi, you know I can't." He says, voice straining and quiet. He really does want to lay with Hanschen though, he wants to hold him close and play with his hair as Hanschen sleeps peacefully. He wants to help Hanschen in any way he can, rub his back, dab at his forehead with a cool cloth, but he simply can't. Though the use of his nickname seems to be enough to get him to relent. 

Then Ernst has an idea. He gently moves Hanschen to the side, and has him sit up. He grabs the bowl of soup and moves behind Hanschen and pulls him to lay against his chest. Now, Ernst would never be this hold normally, but these are special circumstances. Hanschen needed to be cared for, and that's what he's doing. 

Hanschen is reveling in the contact. His entire day had been boring and uncomfortable, unable to do much but sleep and eat, so Ernst was a welcome change of pace. And even though Ernst didn't hold him as long as he wanted, Hanschen was grateful for his quick thinking. And by laying against Ernst's chest, he could hear his heartbeat. A nice change to the ringing he'd been hearing all day. 

"Tell me again why you came over?" Hanschen mumbles.

"You know why." 

"Yes, but I want to hear it again." 

"I came over to bring you the work you missed." Ernst chides, lightly.

"You're no fun." Hanschen pouts, and Ernst smiles, it's rare to see Hanschen like this, where he doesn't keep up pretenses. 

"I also came to see you." Ernst whispers by Hanschen's ear, causing him to shiver. 

"You need to eat." Ernst states, completely changing directions. "Here." He says, holding the spoon to Hanschen's mouth. 

"No, I won't do it." Hanschen says, turning his head. 

"Come on, do it for me? Please, Hansi?" He says, exaggerating his plea. 

"Fine." He says, reluctantly. And they just stay there for a while, Ernst feeding Hanschen the soup with only a few complaints here and there. 

Ernst thinks this is something he could get used to, taking care of Hanschen. Simply being needed did wonders for his self-esteem, and especially in a state like this. Where Hanschen's inhibitions were low and his impulsivity was high. To be that which grounded him made Ernst smile. 

Hanschen finds that he quite likes being taken care of, especially by Ernst. The use of nicknames, gentle coaxing, and frequent praise made it all the easier for him to comply. And the best part was that none of it felt forced. Not once did Hanschen ever feel like he was burdening Ernst. He could feel the care that radiated off of him and he relished it, loving being the center of Ernst's attention. 

"So what did you cover today in class?" Hanschen finally asks. 

"Oh yes. Well, don't laugh at what I'm about to tell you." Ernst sighs. 

"I don't remember. I was so worried about what happened to you today I couldn't focus, more so than usual!"

"What worried you so?"

"I had thought that, maybe, we'd been found out. That you were being taken out of school and sent away and hurt." Ernst admits, his arms tightening around Hanschen with every word. 

"I can assure you Ernst, they couldn't get rid of me no matter how hard they try. I simply will not leave you." He says, matter of factly, as his hands come to rest on Ernst's arms. 

Ernst just buries his face in Hanschen's hair. After a moment, he hears Hanschen's breathing even out, and realizes he's fallen asleep, and then the scene presents itself. He can sit there, letting Hanschen rest against him, play with his hair and rub his back, or, he lay Hanschen down and go home. That would be the safe choice. 

But it isn't the one he makes. 

Instead, he just stays there, and allows himself to fall asleep, Hanschen still in his hold. Whatever repercussions they face, he knows Hanschen will stand by him, and for now, that's enough. 

  
**_five_ ** .

Hanschen isn't sure what comes over him at that moment. That moment in which he just shoves Ernst a little too harshly, a little too intensely, a little too deeply. Ernst looks back at him, his face confused before shoving Hanschen in return. They keep on like that, playfully shoving each other, laughing at the intensity, before Ernst finally ends up on the ground. And in that moment a fire is set alight inside of Hanschen. 

Ernst doesn't know what to make of the way Hanschen is looking at him. The look is neutral but Ernst can see that his fists are clenched tight. He wants to ask what's going through his mind, ask him what's wrong, but he's too late. 

Hanschen is already towering over Ernst, his arms shooting out to grab his collar and pull him back up. He waits for Ernst to stabilize, to catch his breath, before Hanschen hits him. He doesn't know why he hits him, all he does know is that this way, when he strikes Ernst, he can feel his soft skin that will easily bruise, and that sharp cheekbone of his leaves Hanschen's hand stinging. He doesn't know why he's doing all of this when he really just wants to hold Ernst close. He doesn't want to do this, but he does. 

Hanschen hopes that Ernst will hit him back and, for a moment, he truly hates Ernst's passiveness. Hanschen wants him to finally take initiative, to finally stand up for himself, to do something other than let life happen to and around him and instead partake in it. 

Hanschen gets what he wishes for. 

Ernst punches him in the chin, not the strongest or most perfect in form, but it's something. It's  _ contact _ . It's  _ normal _ . Though the moment he does it, Hanschen could see the horror grow of Ernst's face. He sees it contort in pain and sorrow, and for a half a second, anger.  _ Good _ , is what he wants to say,  _ hit me _ , he wants to shout at him,  _ for God's sake can you find it within yourself to touch me? _

Ernst can, apparently. He finds it within himself to yell as he charges Hanschen, pushing him against a wall. He can very distinctly hear the sound of Hanschen's head hitting the bricks, feel breath leave his lungs, and see the tears that start to well up in his eyes, frantic and desperate and scared. 

And then they both stop. Their hands don't leave the other's body, but they freeze, realizing what they're doing to each other. And then they collapse. They breathe for a moment, and then two, their eyes never leaving each other. 

Hanschen breaks the silence,"I am so sorry Ernst." He says, pleading. "I don't know why I did-" 

"Hanschen." Ernst says, cutting him off, uncharacteristically. "Let's go home."

They help each other up, and then walk back in silence. They've both said everything they need to say to each other, and yet nothing at all. 

**_one_ ** .

There is nothing entirely special about this afternoon, only that it's during the summer after their final year, and before they were to go off to university.

Maybe that's what spurs Hanschen on, the fact that this might be one of the last moments he gets to spend with Ernst. 

“I love you Ernst.” Hanschen says, out of the blue. Without missing a beat, Ernst replies, “So you should.” And Hanschen's heart breaks a bit, because if that’s how he sounded when Ernst told him, so nonchalant, so dismissive, then it made perfect sense when Ernst had looked at him so hurt. 

Hanschen finally knew the feeling of something not being reciprocated. Except, he knew Ernst loved him, but he needed to hear it. In everything they had ever done, they had never said it. 

“Ernst, you don’t understand.” Hanschen says, pulling Ernst close, only a hair’s width away from himself, “I’m in love with you.” He says, voice quiet and strained and desperate. “And I have been all along.” He remarks, moreso to himself. 

“And I in turn, am in love with you Hanschen." He says, bringing his hands up to hold Hanschen's face. "Though I fear I may love you too deeply, and God will resent me for making you into a false idol that I worship.” Ernst smiles, though his eyes convey a seriousness that Hanschen does not take lightly. 

"May I ask what brought on this revelation?" Ernst asks, not moving away. 

"I suddenly became very aware of the future, and what it may hold for us." He says, fear creeping into his voice. 

"Don't be sad, my love. We must take the future as it comes to us, skimming off the cream when the milk presents itself." Ernst says, pressing his forehead to Hanschen's. 

Hanschen laughs when Ernst quotes his own metaphor back at him. 

"But for now, is it heaven?" He asks, hoping for Ernst to provide him the comfort he so desperately seeks. 

Ernst takes the moment to kiss Hanschen sweetly, surprising him at first, but eventually relaxing into it. As Ernst kisses him, Hanschen lets go of his worries and his posture, putting all of his weight onto Ernst. They fall onto the grass, and Hanschen has never felt more amazing. He's in the arms of the boy that he loves, in a place where he can love him unabashedly, loving him with his entire being.

When Ernst pulls away to laugh, Hanschen basks in the sound and sight. He has never thought Ernst looked more lovely than in this moment, his body is framed by the green grass and the sun illuminating his brown eyes, and he looks like a painting that Hanschen wants to hang and never take down. He truly doesn't know how he ever got so lucky as to have Ernst in his life.

"I don't think I would have ever known peace had I not met you Ernst Robel."

"Hanschen Rilow, we could live 30 years more, perhaps even longer, and I will never love anyone as I love you." 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so please don't hate me but I used google translate to get the Greek, as I was having trouble getting an actual Greek translation for this. But here's the translation 
> 
> Α-Aν κάποιος πλησ - I-if he gets very close
> 
> πλησιάσει πολύ κοντά και ακούσει το τραγούδι των Σειρήνων, η γυναίκα και τα παιδιά του δεν θα τον υποδεχτούν ποτέ ξανά στο σπίτι. - Gets very close and hears the song of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him back home.


End file.
